Forces of Life - Continuum, Dreams, Alternate Realities

Its come to me more than a few times in the ongoing creation of this never-ending weblog that I really have no questions.  If I have no questions, I guess I also do not have answers.  Real questions are hard to come by and every so often I do come across one and its been painful.  In a few situations, it meant the loss of someone dear to me and in others, the end of a thing that was.  This Sunday, I get to say goodbye to my work colleague that became a friend.  Truth be told, I still miss the DaveR.  I miss the height and depth, the humor and fun, and the gentle sledgehammer that DaveR was at work.  But its gotten easier.  My first few days were in grief and mourning.  People travel their paths of grief and mourning and see its stages.  I’ve gone beyond that and I think of DaveR now with a degree of love and respect.  But… I still miss him and I always will.  I catch myself going through his old emails to me and I am searching for that innate thing he had that I miss.  His compassion, friendship, humor.  I told my friend Ed that its gonna tale awhile for me to put that down.  But now that I think about it, I don’t know how I can.  The feelings just change to other feelings.

Work is difficult at times since I lived, laughed, and sometimes drank beer with DaveR.  I see his empty desk that I cleaned up and its difficult.  But its getting different.  The mirror is changing its reflection and I can deal.

But now the other big questions start to haunt me.  I need to move on I think past certain things and I know it.  I’ve dwelt on it too long and the current situation is not a long-term one for me.  Even if my current work situation lasts another 2 years; I’ll still have to move on.  Because I can feel that sea breeze change welling up.  I’ve felt it before and dealt with it and changed with it. 

Anthropology was a great mistress to me back when.  It drove me, made me think, made me better and most of all it made me see the “human condition”.  I could hike the deserts, foothills, mountain passes and think sublime thoughts of the world, its people, and my comrades.  In technology and high-technology startups its more difficult to travel the world less traveled.  My offie is a hemmed in, 4 walled and ceiling thing.  Where to go when there is no place to go?  Perhaps like I told an old friend Theo, I miss the open.  The no walls, ceilings.  But the other part is you can never go back.  Evolution ensures that I will move forward because going back means not succeeding and to go on I must be a good organism.

So, I’m hemmed in with work situations, colleagues I am unsure of for the most besides my group.  I see the sun playing against the Hayward Hills too often and see clouds and rain.  I remember feeling all that on my face before.

But its all different now.  This weblog serves to track the similiarities and differences.  I tend to blog the world outside my door whether its cosmic or real.  It used to be a blog primarily about Linux and open source; but other things have tken their toll.

So Sunday comes along and I say goodbye to my bud DaveR with a whole room full of people that will become friends that also shared time with DaveR.  That is a good thing, I think.